Mission failed. Feeling pretty ok, but emotionless.
I wish the big day was tomorrow ... but I am still impatiently waiting for its coming ...
Yes, my mother will possibly be the only one who will care about my 'departure'. I love her because she is my mother, but I don't like her, She is not only attention seeking all the time but also so self-centered that every subject people bring up will finally have to about her. Say, if you tell her you feel unwell and may have flu, she will tell you she is not feeling well too, and then starts to tell you every possible sickness she is feeling and doesn't care you are actually the one who is sick. She is still healthy in general but she can make every small discomfort into a big issue and presses you to take her to hospital. If you don't do that, she thinks you are bad. If she thinks your have relationship problems, she will come to you and says she wants to help but then she will start complaining how my late father treated her badly.
She is not a warm person herself and rarely takes interest in my life. She wants me to remember her birthday, plan a party and buy her presents, but she hardly remembers mine or even she remembers/knows, she acts as if that was just another day without even acknowledging it. To be honest, I do think she is a selfish person (so was my father). I admit I treat other people better than her. I simply don't know how to 'reciprocate' as I have never had a role model to learn from.
I am really sick of her attention seeking behaviour. Frankly, I can barely take care of myself. Please don't expect I will volunteer to take care of her.
I had some good time the last few days. There was a moment I thought I should hang on a little longer. Today is Sunday. I have quite a bit of energy. I managed to make a list of my bank and insurance accounts and then I realised it's time to talk to lawyer ... I don't want to let the few good moments to give me the delusion that life is worth going on. Nothing will change my mind.
Some incidents in the last few days tell me who are the friends that really care about me and who don't. I don't tell many friends of my birthday and I don't expect them to remember it. Only some old friends whom I knew from my teen days or early adulthood remember my birthday and I am happy they do.
Lately, I told one lady friend (a colleague who works with me in the same company) and one male friend about my suicidal thoughts. I actually told them even a bit of my plan. I know they believe I am serious. They said they will be there for me when I need them, but at the same time, they treat me normal as if I had never told them anything about it. I thought it was not a bad thing because I didn't want anyone to spoil my plan or tell my family about it (though they don't know any of my family). Today is my birthday. The male friend talked to me on phone a few days ago and said he would celebrate with me my birthday, but of course, he didn't. Then, a friend who lived in another city ordered a cake to be delivered to my home this morning. It was very nice of him, but I actually didn't plan to celebrate my birthday with any one and I wouldn't be able to finish the cake by myself (mom would not eat it), so I asked this lady friend of mine if she would go with me to see my doctor after work (the clinic is a bit far from our homes, but I had to see my doctor today as he will leave for holiday from tomorrow), and then go to my place (we live quite close to each other) to share the cake with me. She plainly said no even she had nowhere but home to go.
Luckily, before calling this lady, I talked to my another lady friend whom I have known for more than a decade and asked her if she would be available this evening. She said yes and then called one of her friends whom I met a couple of times to come to my place together. They even bought with them 2 bottles of wine. It wasn't a big party, but we had fun. I am glad I have them as my friends. They have no idea of my suicide plan, but they are obviously very kind and good friends!
A couple of months ago, I enrolled in drawing and swimming classes. I can swim, just not very well though. I knew I would not go out on weekends if I had no reasons to go out, so I created the reasons so that I will set the alarm clock (2:00 pm!) for Saturday, pull myself away from my bed, and do something. I missed the first 4 swimming classes as I was too comfortable in my bed. When you wake up late in the afternoon, you don't have to figure what you are going to do for the rest of the day. I finally made myself attend the 5th swimming class 2 weeks ago as the drawing class started on the same day. On the way to my drawing class, I always felt terrible and almost couldn't stop weeping. After drawing and then swimming, I felt a lot better. I know it is mainly due to the happy chemicals released after exercising. The good effect lasts about 2 to 3 days. That leads me to think that I may need to do exercise more frequently. However, I also remember when I was going to gym 3-4 times a week 3 years ago, I still felt kind of depressed even though my life then was not as horrible as now or the previous two years, nor was I diagnosed with depression. Yes, I am giving myself excuses not to go out and do things. I am sort of giving up on life. I am almost 45. I have no one in my life and have nothing to live for. I don't see the point of continuing to suffer. I am still contemplating suicide and it starts to look very appealing. I have got some ideas as to how, when and where to do it.
I have not seen many beggars around nowadays. Even I see one, very often, I think they are professional beggars. They usually appear at certain locations on a regular basis. On my way home today, while I was waiting the traffic light to turn green, I saw an old lady begging. It was a busy spot. I thought she was new but she had picked a good location. I was thinking whether I should give her money. Then I thought even she might be a professional beggar, while she was so old, I should give her a little money. At first, I gave her a few coins. I noticed that there were really just a few coins in her container. I hesitated to leave. Before I noticing her, I was actually thinking about how I would distribute my money when I left this world. I told myself : Can't I give her a little more money? I don't need it in the near future anyway? I took a banknote out of my purse and put it in her hands. At that moment, my eyes filled with tears. I had to go as the tears were uncontrollably rolling down my cheeks. Life can be so difficult and unfair to some people!
I visited doctor 2 weeks ago and we decided I have to resume taking the higher dosage of meds I used to take a few months ago. We thought i was getting better and could wean off the meds soon. Apparently, I could not deal with additional stress or bad news without more pills. I am more emotionally stable now, but I am indulge myself in all activities that a depressed person will do. Well, there are not many things they like to do, except sleeping, reading other people's sad stories, contemplating a suicide, etc. Doubtlessly, I am doing all of these. With the help of the meds, I should have felt more positive. I do, but I choose to act the contrary. Since I told a friend my suicidal thoughts 2 weeks ago, I have been interested in exploring suicide methods and somewhat having a blueprint of my death project. The more I read, the more determined I am.
I haven't written for a long time. I have had some better days in the last 6 months, but still feel depressed every now and then. Learning my ex is having a good life with a new partner hurts me a great deal though I knew it was happening. I sacrificed so much and did everything I could to support him in difficult times. At the end, he claimed he was mentally sick and needed to walk away. Men can't live and sleep alone, I guess. The news has driven me into deep depression. I don't know why I still can't get over him and move on. Why do I still think he is a good guy? Why don't I know he is actually a poison to me??
Suicidal thoughts have become stronger and more frequent. I don't mean to kill myself because of him. I just don't find anything worth living for. Who can imagine I have had only one good year in the last 10 years? How do I see my next 10 years? Will I still struggle and suffer emotionally most of the time? My only concern is my mother. My siblings don't care much about my existence. A few friends may feel sad if I am gone, but it won't last long. They will forget me very soon. If I die tomorrow, I have no regrets. I just hope I can figure out what is the sure and clean way to kill myself.
Saw doctor a few days ago. I told him I had felt pretty well the past one month, and then we were talking about cutting down my dose of anti-depressant to half. I don't think I am completely out of depression, but I am emotionally stable for a few months. I, however, notice that when I take my pills 12 hours later than normal, I might feel down the following day. Doc said it is a kind of withdrawal symptom. It doesn't mean the treatment has failed. He said if I see the same happens while I am waning off my med, don't panic. All I need to do is to let him know. I will start taking less pills in 3 weeks - one week before my next appointment with doc so that he can see how it goes.
Today wasn't a good day for me. I just wanted to spend in bed the whole day and had no energy to do anything. When i was eating dinner with mom, I felt annoyed at everything she said. I have just noticed that the depressed me has surfaced. Maybe it is a result of my taking the med more than 12 hours later yesterday than I usually do. But like I said in my last blog, there was something wrong with me lately, maybe I have been like this for a while, and I just didn't realise until now.
Something is wrong with me. I don't know what is it. I stay up late every night in the last few weeks even I have nothing to do and my eyes are heavy. In the beginning, I watched TV. It seems the programs were interesting. But no more interesting programs have been shown in the past 2 weeks, and I still do the same. i just wish the night was longer or I didn't have to work the next day. I feel I am suppressing my emotions, trying not to let the negative emotions surface. I am just guessing. I don't know ...
After working out for 4 consecutive days, I can see some result I have lost about 1 kg. My arms are sore, but I will keep it up and am confident to lose 3 kg in a month. I remeber it was so easy for me to lose 1 kg in a week when I was depressed. I told a friend that I should probably skip one month's medication, then I would lose almost the same weight as I want to lose .... nah, I still remember how bad I felt those days. Physical pain is nothing when it is compared with the severe heart ache and mental illness.
Lately, I have shifted from reading articles of dark subjects to more neutral subjects. There were times I even wanted to read stories about how happy people could be in life, but I am still a bit reluctant to do that, either because I don't want to get jealous of their lives or I think those stories are one-moment things rather than long term. Besides, I also find that it is more likely for me to write when I am frustrated than when I am in good mood. Of course, I do like to share good experience with others but I just don't have the urge to write those things on my blog and I don't know why.
Thanks to the crappy TV programmes, I have started reading books again before going to bed every night. I also started working out at home 2 days ago. Want to lose 5-6 lbs/3 kgs before summer arrives :)
I felt quite good the past few days. Yesterday, looking at myself in the mirror, I was satisfied with my well-rested face. It looked pretty. I really wanted to go out and have some good food and drinks. Had some very expensive tapas with a colleague last night. Colleague said the small dishes were not worth the money, but it didn't spoil my day. I have decided to take a short vacation in the Eastern part of my motherland in the end of April (rather than during the Easter holiday). I have been to some of those places before but I don't mind visiting there again. I think I am really in good mood.
I thought I would write every day, if not, every other day, but I didn't until now. Most of the days in the last 2 weeks were not so good, but I have been feeling much better for the last 2-3 days. I was planning to visit Nepal in October. While having constant frustration at work lately, I thought I should take some days off to make a long vacation around Easter holiday, and so I changed my plan and wanted to go to Nepal in April. I also want to take this opportunity to visit Varanasi in India (the Holy town which is not too far from Nepal) too. After reading that India is not that safe for solo female travelle and It is already mid-March, I feel a bit stressed. I don't think I am mentally ready for this trip. Perhaps, I should keep my original plan of going to Nepal in October. Then, where shall I go this Easter holiday? Time is running out. Need to come up with some ideas real soon.
Today was another long work day. I don't want to talk much about my mean boss any more. He is the most irritating person that I have ever met. I had quite a few bad bosses before but somehow, there were still 1 or 2 things about them that, I believed, made them the bosses. This current one, probably earns the most compared with my previous bosses, is actually a guy who has only average intellignece but many extraordinarily annoying personality traits ... anyway, enough about him.
On my way home, while I was taking the subway, I thought about a male celebrity who committed suicide about a decade ago. He was a handsome movie star and a popular singer; was wealthy and had a loving banker boyfriend (yes, he was gay). He chose to jump from a tall building to end his life when he was only in his early 40's. People said he had depression. I suffer from depression myself and always hear people say, look at the positive side, take things easy, many people are worse off than you, don't do stupid things just because of this and that, look at the poor people in Africa ... yadda yadda .... When you are physically healthy, you don't know what the pain other people are suffering and how bad it can be. Likewise, when you are emotionally and mentally healthy, you simply can't undertand how bad a depressed person can feel and you are definitely not qualified to judge whether the way they think is justified or not. There is nothing wrong about us feeling depressed. I don't seek suicidal thoughts. They come to me naturally. Of course, we can choose to fight them or let them take control of us. However, when you are in extreme emotional pain, death becomes not so scary.
Next time, when I am sharing my sad stories with you and say something stupid, don't tell me many people in the world are in worse situations. If you do, I will tell you this celebrity who owned everything that I don't did choose to end his life by his hands.
I wrote a blog about 6 years ago. It was a private blog. I didn't intend to let people read it except my then boyfriend. He works in US air force and was deployed to Iraq while we were in a long distance relationship. I wrote the blog for him ... to let him know how I was because that was the best way for us (me to him more accurately ...) to stay in touch when internet connection was not available most of the time, and his email and snail letters to me were all returned to him. We didn't know why ... thought letters were the major communication means between deployed military members and their family and friends both in the old days and the present time. He said I lived in a foreign country and that was the problem ... I believed him ... well, as always.
After 5-6 years and 2 deployments, he disappeared. I wrote him and said I assumed he meant we were over from that moment. He didn't write me a single word until months later when I was trying to communicate with him. He briefly told me he was suffereing from severe ptsd. He didn't tell me much detail, but promised to mail me back some important stuff - I have a lot of my personal things in his house, but I just wanted one very special thing. After more than one year, I still haven't got it.
I have had a hard time moving on and have been on anti-depressant for almost 8 months. After taking it for a few months, I felt kind of normal. However, whenever I got a spordic call/email/news from him, I broke down again. I am not sure if his illness has turned him into a cruel man or he has some other reasons to do the things he has done to me. The recent breakdown happened about a month ago. I am feeling better now, but I am still sad.
Since I started taking my medications, I have found that I don't feel like talking much nor am I interested to go out to socialise. I used to look for a sympathetic ear when I was in trouble even when I was extremely depressed. I figured I need an outlet for my feelings and emotions. Starting a blog seems a good idea when telling friends of my everyday encounters could be a nuisance to them. Ideally, I hope some people here might be interested to read my stories. I would like to thank you for lending me your 'ears' ... or actually 'eyes' :)
Previous PostsMission failed, posted January 8th, 2013
Still waiting, posted December 19th, 2012
My mother, posted December 17th, 2012
2 weeks to go ..., posted December 16th, 2012
Friends in needs ..., posted December 12th, 2012
Planning ..., posted November 19th, 2012
Giving ..., posted October 29th, 2012
Am I getting better?, posted October 29th, 2012
Severely depressed again, posted October 18th, 2012
Less pills ..., posted May 20th, 2012
Not a good day, posted April 8th, 2012
Something is wrong, posted April 4th, 2012
Healthy me ..., posted March 30th, 2012
Recovering?, posted March 28th, 2012
Had a good day, posted March 20th, 2012
I need a holiday, posted March 17th, 2012
You simply can't judge depressed people, posted March 5th, 2012
What is my life purpose? Why am I connected with the military? PTSD?, posted March 4th, 2012, 3 comments
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