Planning ... | seekinglifepurpose's Blog

A couple of months ago, I enrolled in drawing and swimming classes.  I can swim, just not very well though.  I knew I would not go out on weekends if I had no reasons to go out, so I created the reasons so that I will set the alarm clock (2:00 pm!) for Saturday, pull myself away from my bed, and do something.   I missed the first 4 swimming classes as I was too comfortable in my bed.  When you wake up late in the afternoon, you don't have to figure what you are going to do for the rest of the day.  I finally made myself attend the 5th swimming class 2 weeks ago as the drawing class started on the same day.  On the way to my drawing class, I always felt terrible and almost couldn't stop weeping.  After drawing and then swimming, I felt a lot better.  I know it is mainly due to the happy chemicals released after exercising.  The good effect lasts about 2 to 3 days.  That leads me to think that I may need to do exercise more frequently.  However, I also remember when I was going to gym 3-4 times a week 3 years ago, I still felt kind of depressed even though my life then was not as horrible as now or the previous two years, nor was I diagnosed with depression.  Yes, I am giving myself excuses not to go out and do things.  I am sort of giving up on life.  I am almost 45.  I have no one in my life and have nothing to live for.  I don't see the point of continuing to suffer.  I am still contemplating suicide and it starts to look very appealing.  I have got some ideas as to how, when and where to do it.